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HEAR ME GOODMAN, when I tell you that I have just the thing to grow that beard better than George Foreman makes grills.
MAKE IT MAGNIFICENT. Like a bear with chainsaws for hands, this stuff gets the job done.
BATHROOM BANISHMENT. Banish any balm, butter, softener, or oil from your counters-they're just collecting dust now. And you're not looking to collect dust bunnies, you're looking to collect EXCELLENT FACIAL HAIR.
PROTECT YOUR POLISHEDNESS. Biotin! Argan Oil! Rosemary! Tea Tree! Eucalyptus! Peppermint! Manuka Honey! Aloe Vera! Cehami! Ingredients!
BY GOLLY, GET THE BEARD YOU WANT! You may have a beard trimmer, comb, brush, perfume, or beanie-but with Polished Gentleman they'll finally have something to do! Oh, except for the beanie; you probably won't need that anymore. Makes a great Xmas present It will absolutely be the best deal of the day for you today my Goodman!

Description

On my word as a gentleman, this shampoo literally makes it approximately six trillion times easier to grow and maintain your best beard. It will also be your best accessory, best bargaining chip, best marketing tool, and occasionally a safety device.

Organic ingredients?

Always and forever, my goodman.

Beard growth?

Faster than the cups run out at any party ever.

Thicker, fuller, softer, stronger, HEALTHIER beards?

Have you been listening to a word I've said?! Yes, yes, and once again yes!

Let me break it down for you...

MANLINESS ACROSS ALL SENSES: Look like a man as others revel in the glory of your magnificent beardedness. Sound like a man, as the wind and your facial follicles intertwine to make sweet, sweet music. Feel like a man, as the coarse wildman wires attached to your face are tamed into soft, delightful strands that will make your ladyfriend purr contentedly. Smell like a man, as pure and natural masculinity wafts from your mustache like aromatherapy even stronger than a candle store under attack by an arsonist. Your beard will even taste manly, after being saturated by such glorious and wonderful ingredients as find themselves in this miracle that is the Polished Gentleman Beard Shampoo!